When Everything Changes

Two years ago, I was determined to major in Religion. Two months ago, I was a Mass Communications major with a minor in religion. As of a day or two ago, I’m a Mass Comm. major with a minor in psychology, not religion.

Two months ago, I was going to finish taking my 2 courses of Greek and then switch to Hebrew. Now, I’m taking Greek 201 next semester with my favorite professor and my best friend. No more Hebrew for me.

It’s strange how things change.

It’s funny though – because my decision to ditch Hebrew literally centers around people, not concepts or ideas or knowledge – which is why I’m supposed to be at college in the first place.

And now, as I think back, this single instance of change reflects my entire life over the past year. Concepts and ideas and knowledge are wonderful things. But after years of searching, I’ve finally found something better. People, people who matter. And with the knowledge that people, not concepts and ideas, are what matter, everything changes.

 

 

 

 

Do You Believe?

When I came to JFC, I became immersed in a ultra-Christian environment. Most people would thrive in such a place, but to be honestly,  I struggled a little bit. Was this real? Did people really love Jesus this much? Was it authentic, or was it all a sham?

I began to question the faith of others and my own faith. Faith became an on-and-off sort of thing. It was usually “on”, but too-often, I found myself wanting a break from the whole religion thing. Before, I could just push religion and faith away. Nobody who I spent my time around went to church with me or even talked about Jesus very often. I had absolutely no accountability and nothing from keeping me from allowing faith to be some sort of roller coaster.

Over winter break, I spent a week in Nicaragua. It felt so good to be home in Nicaragua, so good to be putting my faith (whatever that meant) into action. It was like faith meant something more than words. While on break, I became resolute that next semester, I wouldn’t let faith be a roller coaster.

I find myself only a week into the semester, and it’s the biggest roller coaster ever. On day, I’m on my knees before the Cross. The next, I want nothing to do with religion and the Bible. Even in the midst of the a Christian college, surrounded by Christian friends, I find myself questioning what I believe. Do I really believe any of what I’d been taught? Some days, “yes. Of course.” Other days, “eh, I don’t really know.”

It’s a constant battle that I don’t have any sound logic as to why this is happening…

I believe. I think…?

DO you believe…?

Is it over?

The worst two weeks for every college student is the week before Final Exams when everything is due and the week of Finals. When this time hits, college students suddenly become like little kids at the movies.

We close our eyes and pray really hard nothing bad will happen to the characters and ask our mommies the one question that matters most, “Is it over?”

Life can be a bit scary sometimes… okay, that’s a lie. Life can be really scary sometimes. As a high school students, I used to stress over ACTs and AP exams. In college, you find out that’s nothing compared to the stress of college final exams.

You might as well have entered a horror movie.

The good news is that movies don’t last forever. Eventually, they have to come to some sort of end. The credits will roll and the lights will come on, and we will no longer have to ask our mommies if the scary part is over.

Finals will eventually end.

And praise be to God on High, they have ended!

Even in the darkest of days, there is still light. There is still hope! God is so good!

 

 

 

Making Yourself Vulunerable

For most of my life, I’ve been an extrovert. I’ve been “the leader” or “the counselor” or “the one who has it all together.”

It’s funny to think that, because that’s the hard outer-shell that people and circumstances have forced around me. Maybe part of it is me, but not all of it.

So today, for one of the first times at JFC (Jesus-Freaky College for those of you who don’t remember), I made myself really vulnerable. I could tell that one of my friends, KW, wanted to ask me about my past life, because apparently, I allude to it, and the pieces of it that she knew didn’t really make much sense.

Of course they didn’t! They hardly make sense to me!

Why did I have to screw up my freshman year of high school?

Why did my parents force me to focus on grades and GPAs all the time?

Why did college matter or not matter?

Why do I not trust guys?

Why don’t we talk about religion or Jesus in my household?

I don’t have the answers. Sometimes I wish I did, but sometimes, it’s just okay that I don’t. That’s reality.

And when people ask in a private setting, I don’t really mind telling them. It’s my history and it makes me who you are.

The dirty soiled red blanket you use to cover your faults. The ripe fruit people see. It’s all you.

But in order for you to be you, you have to make yourself vulnerable. Your outer-shell may glorify God, but when you let God break you apart and when you let other people see your “messy-but-beautiful” inside, that is when God’s Glory is revealed in Its finest. 

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my
weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Cor. 12:9

 

 

Healing Is In His Hands

Today, I went to The Room Worship Service.

Last time I was there, God broke me down and told me that “You are worth more than a twenty dollar bill.”

This time, I praised God for all the healing He has provided me at JFC… even when it looked like God was abandoning me.

A couple months ago, my roommates and I got in a huge fight, and they tried to kick me out. I often wondered where God was in this situation. Had He abandoned me like everyone else?

Let’s fast forward and look back…
Today, I’m still living in the same dorm, but I don’t spend any time in my dorm for obvious reasons. Instead, I spend most of my days in the Froom (the Fellows/Honors Room).

By spending time in the Froom, I’ve been able to develop some incredible relationships with incredible people, and through these people, God has brought  so much healing into my life.

You never realize how many scars you have until you get healed…

 

 

 

3 Hour Journeys…

Today, I headed back from Thanksgiving break to JFC. The ride was quite a long one – and a very boring one.

BUT on the plus side, the journey gave me 3 hours to listen to worship music and just think.

I couldn’t help but think of everything God has done in the past 2-ish weeks…

1. He’s confirmed certain relationships in my life as “good.”

2. God is placing me in the life of a fellow Fellow so that I can, when the time is right, share the gospel with her.

3. He’s taken away my feeling of unworthiness – a feeling I didn’t know actually existed (yes, that is possible!)

4. After weeks of me praying over her and her family, one of my adult friends got baptized. Her family has also become involved in the local church.

5. I’ve gotten to spend some time with one of my professors (who is a Greek scholar) and study the New Testament with him… in Greek!

6. He’s led me to some incredible local churches.

7. He’s provided me with a missions partner for my trip to Nicaragua in 2013.

8. He has provided me with time to be in a small group, and get to know three amazing ladies.

9. He’s placed me in difficult but godly conversations about Faith that make me challenge everything I believe for the sake of His glory.

I know there’s more… I’m quite sure of it… and…

I can’t wait to see what God has in store!

Procrastination via Worship

I’m procrastinating. I have an exam tomorrow and a conference with the head of the Classics department. On Tuesday, I have an 8 page paper due and a conference with another one of my professors.

Yet somehow…

I “make time” to go to two different churches (one in the morning and one at night) and worship Jesus.

Is this procrastination?

Yes.

Is it holy procrastination?

Yup.

Seems acceptable to me.

Your thoughts…?

Break Me Down, Lord Jesus!

In my previous post, I talked about how God is using me to reach other people. At the same time, God has really been using other people to break me down and get to me.

Just a few weeks ago, I was seriously struggling on figuring out how I fit in at JFC. I hung out with a lot of sophomores and juniors but I wasn’t one of them because I was a freshman. At the same time, I lived (and still do live) in a dorm that is 90% sophomores. On Saturday (last Saturday, that is), one of my junior friends, AK, invited me to go ice skating with her, a mutual sophomore friend (KW), and the university choir. Skating was so much fun, and it was so cool to see just how much more open AK became towards me through skating.

(Of course, it really helps when I’m able to open up and be “free and fun” at my second home – the skating rink)

After skating, we all went out to dinner together. It was awesome. Right before dinner, AK invited me to go watch Pride & Prejudice with her and KW later that night.

Monday was KW’s birthday, and we wanted to celebrate. AK, VDV (a junior), and I were talking about taking KW out to the Cheesecake Factory. It was already late, and I told them that I was going to Reformed Univ. Fellowship , and it’d be fine if they needed to go without me. VDV responds, telling me they’d wait on me.

It was all I could do not to cry during worship at RUF. Most people I had known before college would have said. “Okay, if you’re not back when we want to go, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

VDV, AK, and KW won’t ever realize how much that meant to me. Something so simple to them was so profound to me.

For the next two or three days, this past weekend would dwell in my head. People wanted to spend time with me and were even willing to wait on me.

My Big would see me somewhere on campus and give me a huge bear hug. My hallmates would always start a conversation with me when I went into the study room. My friends would start conversations with me on the way to class. Other friends would give me hugs in the Caf.

It’s little things, but these things have broken me down, made me reconsider everything.

Who am I? What did I do to deserve this love I’ve received from others? 

Then, I went to The Room for the first time. The Room is basically a lot of worship and some teaching. It was incredible. The message for the night centered around “You are worthy.” You are worth more than a twenty-dollar bill.

I’ve heard a message like that many times before, but tonight, it really hit home.

For weeks, I couldn’t fathom why the people here were so nice, so kind and caring. They genuinely cared about other. Now, I understood why. Because people at JFC understood that people have worth. People have value. And it doesn’t matter what I do or did or will do. I have worth because I am a Creation of God.

Before I came to JFC, I “knew” this, but I didn’t really get it. As harsh as this sound, I had been treated as an object. My value was measured upon what I did, and because of past events, what I did, and therefore who I was, was never good enough.

I had told people that they were worthy, but nobody ever told me I was worthy – just as I am.

When I figured all of this out – why I didn’t trust people, why I couldn’t understand that people really cared about me, why I only had a head (as opposed to heart) knowledge about how worthy we are, and that in reality, WE ARE WORTHY – emotion overwhelmed me.

God broke me down, and I am eternally thankful for this.

Thank God the room was dark and the worship music was loud. God is sovereign and I am worthy. 

And that is what makes all the difference.

Use Me Lord Jesus

The ways God has been moving in the past week have been incredible.

Last Friday night, I attended an event at Brook Hills called Multiply. The night focused on making disciples of all people, and at the end of the night Francis Chan challenged us to write down the names of a few people who we felt led to either:
1. Make disciples out of
2. Make disciple-makers out of

I wrote down 3 names:

1. My hallmate
2. my Big
3. a upperclassman Fellow (a Fellow is someone in the honors college) who isn’t a follower of Christ

After we wrote down the names, we prayed over these people.

This past week, God has shown up in big ways with all three of these people.

1. For the past two or three weeks, my hallmate has said that she wants to come to church with my Big and I, but she never has. On Monday, we were

talking, and she said that she was Methodist, but she hadn’t found a Methodist Church to go to or had people to go with, and as a result, she hasn’t been going to church at all. I told her I’d go with her to a Methodist Church… so on Sunday, we’re going to the Methodist Church together.

2. I know God is doing something big in my Big’s life. I don’t know what He’s doing, but I can sense it in a strange sort of way.

3. I’ve only seen the upperclassman Fellow a few times this past semester, and I only know her because we met at my Interview Day for Fellows. This past week, I have seen her nearly every single day and sometimes, multiple times per day. God is slowly placing me into her life so that I can later share Christ with her.

Pray, and God will answer.

Matthew 21:22 And whatever you ask in prayer,
you will receive, if you have faith.”

Little Things Matter

It’s been a long day. My dress shoes have cut into my feet, leaving my heels and toes bruised and bloody. I lost my debate case. I have yet to study for an exam that I have tomorrow.

And to top everything off, I lost my student ID, the ID which gets me into the Caf(eteria) and the Food Court. This is the third time I’ve lost it… and I lost it in the same place as last time.

When I went to Public Safety to get a new one, I asked where the Bursar’s Office was so I could pay another $15 for my ID. The sweet woman, who probably knows my name by now, said not to worry about it, and she’d give me the new ID for free.

I don’t know if I’ve ever been so happy.

Little Things Matter.

 

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” Matt. 7:7